Emotion Regulation: Learning to Feel Without Losing Yourself
You can’t stop emotions from showing up — but you can train how you respond when they do.
Emotion regulation helps you name, understand, and work with your emotions instead of being run by them.
DBT’s Core Emotion Regulation Skills
ABC PLEASE
Builds resilience by balancing body care, routine, and positive emotion.
Check the Facts
Helps you test whether the emotion fits the situation.
Opposite Action
Encourages you to act opposite to unhelpful urges when emotions don’t fit the facts
Defusion & Rumination Breakers
Create mental space from painful thoughts or stories
Together, these skills retrain your emotional system — less reacting, more responding.
What Emotion Regulation Really Means
In DBT, emotion regulation is your stable base.
It’s how you understand what’s happening inside, decide whether that emotion fits the facts, and choose an action that supports your long-term values.
You’re not deleting emotions or forcing yourself to be positive. You’re learning how to steer the car when emotions grab the wheel.
The goal isn’t calm — it’s choice.
Why Emotion Regulation Matters
When emotions hit, the body reacts before logic does.
Heart rate spikes, thoughts race, urges take over — and often, we act first, regret later.
Emotion regulation interrupts that chain reaction.
It gives you the space to ask: “What’s happening, what matters, and what helps me stay aligned with my values?”
Over time, practising these skills builds stability, better relationships, and less burnout from emotional whiplash.
ABC PLEASE (Body + Mind Care)
DBT teaches that body care shapes emotional balance.
When your body steadies, your emotions often follow.
A — Accumulate Positives: Do one small pleasant thing today — sunlight, music, calling a friend.
B — Build Mastery: Spend 10 minutes doing something slightly challenging — tidy one corner, reply to an email.
C — Cope Ahead: Visualise a tough situation and mentally rehearse how you’ll handle it.
PLEASE
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P – Treat Physical illness
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L – Eat regularly
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E – Avoid mood-altering substances not prescribed
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A – Balance Sleep
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S – Get regular exercise
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E – Practice body-based self-care
When the body steadies, the mind softens.
This skill alone can prevent emotional spirals before they begin.
Check the Facts + Opposite Action
Check the Facts:
Ask: “Does this emotion — and its strength — fit the actual facts?”
If not, the emotion is either too strong or misplaced. That’s your cue to pivot.
Opposite Action:
Do the opposite of your emotion’s urge until it starts to shift.
If the emotion does fit the facts — like grief or justified anger — the goal becomes Radical Acceptance: acknowledging pain without adding suffering.
“You don’t have to like the feeling — just stop fighting it.”
Fear (not life-threatening)
Avoid
Approach: open the bill, make the call.
Anger (out of proportion)
Attack
Gently disengage, lower voice, validate one point.
Sadness
(unjustified)
Withdraw
Move, shower, do one small activity.
Shame
(self-attack)
Hide
Look up, make eye contact, talk to a safe person.
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What Learning This May Feel Like
At first, emotion regulation can feel like translating a language you don’t yet speak.
You might not know what you’re feeling, or your emotions might still hijack your actions before you can apply a skill.
That’s normal.
At the beginning, success isn’t “I stayed calm.” It’s “I noticed the emotion before it took over.”
With practice, your awareness grows faster than the storm. You start to spot patterns — the times, triggers, and body signals that warn, “Hey, this is rising.”
And once you can see it coming, you can steer. That’s how real regulation starts.
Defusion & Rumination Breakers
When thoughts loop endlessly — “I always fail,” “They must hate me” — use quick defusion moves to create distance between you and the story.
Each time you notice and name the story, it loses a little power.
Here’s the ‘I always stuff it up’ story again.
Name the Story
Say the thought in a silly voice for ten seconds — notice its sting drop.
Cartoon Voice
A thought that I’m failing… in… out…
Label + Breathe
Take one small step that moves you forward.
Anchor to Action
2-Minute Values Check
Write three words that describe the kind of person you want to be under stress — maybe calm, honest, kind, or steady.
Then ask: “What’s one small action today that matches one of these words?”
That’s values-based regulation in action — emotion guiding behaviour, not controlling it.
Everyday Examples
Small adjustments like these turn overwhelm into movement.
Scared to open bills
Name fear → Check the Facts (fees grow unopened) → Opposite Action: open and read the first line only.
Angry text thread
Check the Facts (was harm intended?) → Opposite Action: pause, validate one point, propose a calm next step.
Sunday dread
PLEASE check (sleep, food) → Accumulate positives (walk + music) → Cope ahead (plan Monday’s top three tasks).
When This Might Not Be the Move
Emotion regulation isn’t about enduring unsafe situations.
If you’re in danger or being coerced, prioritise safety planning and professional support.
And if you’re too flooded to think clearly, start with Distress Tolerance instead — cool the body before analysing the mind.
Common questions
No. DBT doesn’t deny pain — it helps you choose actions that reflect truth and effectiveness.
Start with physical clues — tight chest, heavy stomach — and label sensations first. Clarity comes with practice.
Then regulation means compassion and problem-solving, not suppression. Feel it, don’t feed it.
That’s human. Each time you remember even one step, you’re rewiring your response.
Some relief shows up in days. Lasting change builds with repetition, like learning to drive a manual car — clunky at first, automatic later.
Related Tools and Next Steps
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Emotion ABC Tracker → /tools/emotion-abc-tracker
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Bounce-Back Plan → /tools/bounce-back-plan
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Mindfulness & Wise Mind → /modules/mindfulness
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Radical Acceptance → /modules/radical-acceptance
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Training Modules: Emotion Regulation I (ABC PLEASE) → /modules/emotion-regulation • Emotion Regulation II (Opposite Action & Defusion) → /modules/emotion-regulation-2
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Try Elara → Ask for a 2-minute Opposite Action guide.
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Join Coaching → /coaching
Safety & credits
Scope: Psychoeducation and peer support only — not therapy, diagnosis, or a crisis service.
If you’re in crisis (Australia): 000 • Lifeline 13 11 14 • Suicide Call Back 1300 659 467 • Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 • 13YARN 13 92 76 • Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 • 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732
Global: findahelpline.com
Author: Lloyd Taylor | DBT-informed Peer Recovery Worker and Founder, DBT Support Hub
Last updated: October 2025
References:
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford.
Neacsiu, A. D., Eberle, J. W., Kramer, R., Wiesmann, T., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills for emotion dysregulation. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 21(4), 363–380.
© 2025 DBT Support Hub | Peer-led Mental Health Education | Last updated October 2025
© 2025 DBT Support Hub | Peer-led Mental Health Education | Last updated October 2025